ADULT JOKES

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Johnny
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her all of her grades, there is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless.
The teacher says, "Whoever correctly answers the questions I ask first can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question first."
The teacher asked, "Who said" 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD because Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could say anything, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. "You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before becasue Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said," 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD because Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"


Shipwrecked
A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and a woman)survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. The first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting their needs filled. This goes on for two years and everyone is happy with the plan. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delights.

A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies.

Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad; the second week is worse; the third week, it's nearly unbearable; the fourth week things are bad beyond words. The fifth week, it is just awful. In fact, it's getting so bad that on the sixth week...









They bury her.


Costume Party
A couple are getting ready to go to a costume party. The woman goes into the bedroom and emerges completely naked, except for a lemon hanging on a string from her vagina.

Her partner is shocked and amazed, and questions her about it. She answers that this is her costume, and this is the way she's going to the party.

So the guy goes into the bedroom and emerges a few minutes later also completely naked, but with a potato hanging on a string from his penis.

He looks at her and replies,"if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tater..."


Baptist Minister
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends......that you were a wizard under the sheets." font size="4">


Fire Fighting
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
"Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets."
"Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
"Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way."
"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked."
"When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed."
"When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,
"Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to screw.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks?"
"More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"


Pepper?
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet, which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.


Dopey
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do.... do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... Are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any Midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start Laughing and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"


What to Cover

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their 'freedom.' As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."


LAPD...CIA...FBI
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


New Machine
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it. They said "yes."

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel no pain. Since it was obviously helping his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The doctor did, and the woman delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.


Winking

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


How "They" Do It When It Comes To Sex

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker,
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate !
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or its free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them !
Zoologists do it with animals


Ear This One
Bob was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Bob decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Bob asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Bob got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Bob again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Bob was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Bob was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!" Disabled Swimming
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"


Divorce?
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in Hawaii. "POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two.

This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish. "Genie, I want 2 billion dollars. "POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."

The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says, "I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"



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